Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
