So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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