I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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