I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
