i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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