my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
