I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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