she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
