Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
