His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
