How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
