she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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