And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
