it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
