Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
