Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
