I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
