I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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