When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
