i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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