Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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