I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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