you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
