I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
