I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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