Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
