He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
