I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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