Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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