My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
