Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
