OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
