Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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