Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
And then he peed in my hair
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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