I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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