Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
