I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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