hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
