I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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