My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Randomize
