my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm getting married
To pizza
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
