She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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