I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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