Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
