Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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