Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
the liver wants what the liver wants
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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