its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
