does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
we're so committed to being not committed
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