We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
