I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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